5th June '25:
In the hope of getting it all out of my system, I thought I'd write it down. Things to talk about: - feelings around Russell (duh) - feelings around burnout and seeing my same old patterns of burnout, isolate, and procrastinate - feelings about David and Chloe (??) - feelings about Geraldine and Finbar - feelings about Jade and Hugo ? - feelings around Rory - feelings around Ruby - feelings Dakota and Martin bring up - feelings around how small I felt around the tv crew - feelings about being ill and what that brings up for me - feelings about Mum's new relationship to queerness - feelings about the stifling and claustrophobia of always feeling perceived
Where to start?
David and Chloe
What the heck is going on there? I'm so conflicted as to how I feel about it, and conflicted as to why I'm feeling like its my place to feel anything. Is there actually something going on there? Why do I care? I care because, at least a little bit in part because of, the age gap. I don't find it concerning when a younger person likes an older person, but my defenses go up when its the other way round. But if its consensual, why do I care? Chloe is old enough and mature enough that it shouldn't matter. Yet I feel a tautness in my tummy and a tightness round my throat. Though I guess its maybe there to show me that age gaps aren't that big of a deal, especially not 21 and 25? (sidenote, why do I relate everything to that? I'm relating Jade and Hugo's distance and short timespan in person to that too). I also feel uncomfortable with it because I thought Chloe had a boyfriend? I really thought she mentioned a boyfriend (she did, about hiking together in the Alps). But why is it my business? Maybe its not my business but I still don't have to be comfortable with it I suppose. I also feel conflicted because I guess I feel a bit protective of David? If there is something there and he doesn't know about Chloe's boyfriend, I'd feel horrid for him. But also, if he did know, I'd feel horrid about it too, I don't know if I could look at him the same again. But then Jade and Hugo's story, and the story of the couple that they met in the pub (where the guy had been with someone else when they met) are shedding an uneasy greyness into the black and white of morality. Also I can feel the swirling feelings of 'is Chloe leading him on?' that are making me find it a bit harder to relate with her, which I don't like, especially when I don't know how to feel about it/her/the situation. But also, I don't think I've ever seen him this happy or boyish, and it feels wrong to judge something that brings out that joy for him. But at what stage does personal happiness bow to morality, and at what stage should it?
feelings around Russell
I guess this one feeds into and informs all of the other ones. I've definitely come to a stage where I'm more at peace with whatever, with just enjoying his presence without needing to put some label or explanation on it. But the lack of contact is what hurts most. It makes me wonder if it meant anything to him, and the self-doubt is snaking in and rooting itself like ivy, constricting and contorting the foundational, once solid trunk. I can feel a frustration/anger rising, but if I don't articulate it, then what right do I have to be angry? Especially when we predicted this might happen, when he mentioned not being good at texting. But I mentioned how that can make me feel. And I kind of thought it might mean more/be different for him, be worth something. Be worth trying. It feels like he isn't trying, and that hurts more than anything else.
I also wish I didn't care so much. I know I'm more contented with the idea of just letting it be now, but I know I wouldn't have been if it hadn't been for the lack of messages. And in my head is always lingering that tarot reading, that a break is needed before anything may proceed. But in predicting this as the break, its not really letting go of control, its trying to force an explanation and a path that I don't have and shouldn't have sway over. And I guess that is one of the most valuable things this could teach me, to let go of my control on things, but I see him in everything. It felt pure and right and it feels like the watercolours are being muddied and tarried when they should be left alone, pristine. Am I the one muddying them, or is he? Or is it both, or was this always how it ould go when you try to drag something past its natural end? But it never felt like an end, and I never want it to end. I don't need an always, but I want an often.